Hot flash in the car
Turn on the fucking AC
Point all vents toward me
What is a hot flash?
Heat, flushed face, rapid heartbeat
Husband in danger
Is it hot in here?
No? I’m having a hot flash
Now you’re on thin ice
What is a haiku?
Japanese poem where you
Count the syl-la-bles
Japanese women
Don’t tend to have hot flashes
Haiku irony
True, my hot flashes
Definitely aren’t your fault
Still, you should suffer
Doctor won’t give me
HRT prescription drugs
Slight risk of cancer
What is H R T?
Hormone Replacement Therapy
Whoops. Eight syllables.
Hot flash misery
Makes me murder nice husband
Doctor feels stupid
Use hot flash defense
Jury finds me not guilty
Menopausal peers
Hot flashes mid-flight
Get me off this goddamned plane
I’ll hijack your ass
Can’t remember shit
I know I’m smarter than you
Hot flash brain damage
Global warming news
Soon you’ll all burn up like me
Ha ha ha ha ha
(rap song with accordion)
Dear son,
When YOU don’t call
I lie aWAKE in bed
Filling UP with dread
Are you aLIVE or dead?
Why’d you move to MonTANa?
You know I’m not a FAN of
GUNS and SNOW
What a DUMB place to go
Three DAYS by car
It’s MUCH too far
To SEE you
In your natural HABitat
But I’m oKAY with that
As long as you CALL
Cuz when you DON’T call
I lie aWAKE in bed
with the CLOCK ticking
And the DOG licking
herself
Where ARE you?
LYing in a ditch
FLOATing down a river
Clinging to a BRANCH
Buried in an AVALANCHE?
Or in JAIL?
No one to POST bail
CRIMinalized
TRAUMAtized
Or HOSpitalized
UNconscious in E.R.
No one KNOWS that you’re our
Precious MAN-child
Who SOMEtimes goes a little WILD
With your exTREME sports
And wearing TEE-shirts and shorts
When it’s TWENty below
You’re not inVINcible, Yo
But THAT’S what you don’t know
These THOUGHTS keep ME awake.
I don’t know what ELSE to make
Of your SILENCE
Is it DEFIANCE
Or self-RELIANCE?
Finally you PHONE home
Claiming problems
With your CELL phone
Son, you KNOW what works
When you want to make a CALL?
The KIND of phone
That’s atTACHed to the wall
Hey, I just learned how to TEXT
We could try that NEXT
Or you could let me LOOK
At your FACEBOOK
FRIEND me?
No, you’re NOT my friend
And I’m NOT your friend
I’m your MOTHER
That’s why I need a CALL
And that’s a SMALL
Thing to ask
Love,
Mom
(to the tune of This Land)
A graduation
Starts our vacation
Son One leaves high school
With jubilation
We die of heatstroke
Cuz there’s a million grads
Why must they read their middle names?
This is vacation.
Summer vacation
A time for swimsuit
Humiliation
I meant to sign up
To take a Zumba class
Now it’s too late to get in shape
I take my soft butt
to San Diego
Not just my butt but
My spouse and children
We use up gallons
Of fifty S.P.F.
Our kind aren’t meant to go outside
Then we go camping
Who here likes camping?
No one likes camping
What’s the point of camping?
It sucks to be homeless
So why pretend we are?
I should be sleeping in my bed
In-law reunions
Can be a challenge
In Catholic families
With umpteen members
As folks get older
They start to look alike
Which overbearing aunt are you?
Summer’s the time for
Dozens of houseguests
They stop at our house
On the way to somewhere
I drop big hints but
They just don’t understand
Good houseguests stay in a hotel
Weren’t those Olympics
So awe-inspiring?
Not just inspiring
But real ironic
You watch top athletes
Get lots of exercise
While you veg out for sixteen days
Son One’s in college
Out in Montana
It’s really cold there
Cuz they have winter
We’ll pay a fortune
For him to freeze to death
Poly is one mile from our house
(to the tune of This Land)
This is a new year
A spanking new year
It’s time to write those
Dumb resolutions
There’s just no point when
I lack self dis-ci-pline
Better accept me as I am.
In February
There’s Valentine’s Day
The day we find out
Who really loves us
Please buy me chocolate
But not the crap-py kind
You’ll have to stand in line at Sees
In March we drink up
Just like the Irish
And wear green headgear
That looks so foolish
We can’t resist those
Shamrocks and lep-re-chauns
Kiss me, I’m Irish deedle dee
And next there’s Easter
What’s up with Easter?
It moves around from
Mid-March to April
I just checked Google
And it’s astron-o-my
Nothing to do with holy stuff
Cinco de Mayo
The fifth of May-o
When we remember
We don’t know Spanish
It’d be so useful
In Californ-i-a
Why’d I take French for all those years?
July means fireworks
Illegal fireworks
We light them on a
Beach in Cayucus
If we lit ‘em at our house
Our dogs would turn us in
Dogs really hate Fourth of July
Halloween’s the best of
The holidays cuz
It’s only candy,
Décor, and costumes
There’s no damned shopping,
Cleaning or co-o-king
It’s not a scary holiday
But on Thanksgiving
The relatives come
To eat our food and
Sleep on our futons
They offer thanks and
Constructive cri-ti-cism
This is the scary holiday
Finally it’s Christmas
What Christmas means is
A lot of effort
Without much payoff
At least this season
Is very mu-si-cal
I love to sing on holidays
It’s fun to sing on holidays
Let’s always sing on holidays